Downhill From Here

September 7, 2008

One of the things I realized during orientation a few weeks ago is that I have peaked - and I am only 28 (this is very sad I am sure). Perhaps not peaked, but in some ways I do feel as though I’ve reached the top of my mountain and everything from here is downhill.

To be frank, I did not think much about doing an actual PhD program. A PhD program has always been for me that “pie in the sky” dream that you never really think you’ll achieve. Now I know that some of you will protest that clearly I am a born student and of course I was going to get into a PhD program, but if that is your position, suspend that for a minute because that was not my mindset.

I am aware that I possess a decent amount of intelligence, and I know that I am a very good student, but I am by no means the smartest person I know - there are always those people who around me who just seem like they are so smart, not necessarily good students, just smart. In point of fact, I think these people are always philosophy majors since anyone who knows philosophy registers as brilliant in my mind as I find it completely baffling. But I digress. Oh yes, smarter people, and PhD programs are hard to get into, especially if you don’t want to shell out a lot of money. So when I started applying last year I didn’t really think I’d get in anywhere - I know plenty of equally smart or smarter people who haven’t gotten in yet and I know that on top of not being the smartest person I know the whole application process is a big crap shoot. All of this to say that I didn’t really expect to get in anywhere.

So there I was sitting in PhD orientation and having these moments of stunning realization that this is what I’ve really wanted, this is what I’ve worked really hard to achieve, this is what all of those sacrifices were for - it was a great feeling, kind of like being on the top of a roller coaster right before you go down.

And then. And then I realized that not only have I achieved my one really big dream, I now must follow through with it. This may sound a bit obvious, but as classes got started all of the sudden realized that I hadn’t thought much about actually getting a degree, just getting into a program. So, as I sit here doing my massive amounts of reading, I’m having to readjust and rework what’s next because I kind of feel like I’ve achieved it all and am a little baffled that I still have work to do.

Posted in school by Sarah